Corban: Another look at reality

In Mark chapter 7, it talks about the clash between Jesus and the religiously pure of the time: The Pharisees.  Now I’m not knocking the Pharisees they represented the most zealous of God’s people. As Paul put it, he was a Pharisee among Pharisees. They were disciplined and very focused on their service to God but there in lies their deepest flaw. A lack of compassion and blinded by the outer workings of the law. You might say they were nit-picky. As Jesus would put it straining out a gnat and swallowing a Camel. To the Lord their priorities and focus were so out of whack that he marveled at their blindness. 

The Corban

As this chapter in Mark unfolds, they accuse Jesus’ disciples at not washing their hands before they had eaten anything. Jesus jumps on this assertion with both feet basically accusing then as ‘rejecting the commandment of God, that they might keep their own tradition’ , Then Jesus gives them a living example fo their missing the mark with their teaching on Corban. Basically Jesus says this:

‘ Instead of honoring your Father and Mother, you set aside what your wealth is for God by dedicating that to God rather than helping your one Father and Mother….’ 

So let’s modernize that statement a little. What were they doing that was so wrong? After all they were giving to God, dedicating to God their wealth and zealously protecting that which they gave to God. Wealth could be labeled a lot of things here: it could be money, time, effort, attention, focus, etc. In other words, it was a consideration they made to favor or prioritize their most precious value to God.  But here Jesus has them figured out. They had used their religious traditions and beliefs to withhold wealth from their parents who were in dire need to their help. They felt justified but Jesus condemned them for it. Why?  Because of a lack of love which focuses on compassion and empathy and going the extra Mile even when it was hard to do so. 

How do We answer such a charge?

So how do we respond? I can think of a personal example. When I was in the dysfunctional religious group I was in , I held a lot of Corban. I withheld my self and my family from My in-laws to a point it was palpable. Oh, I tolerated them but they knew full well they did not have my heart…and it killed them. I withheld the most precious thing from them by dedicating myself to God, I and my family and shut out my in-laws because they did not hold to faith as I had done. Little did I realize at the time that what I thought was the the way were only traditions and not the teachings of Christ. I was on the outside a very holy man but on the the inside I was cold as ice towards them. Every time we met there was a chill that separated my family from them….at a time they needed it most. No other time was that clearer to me than when my Father-in-law broke mentally from reality because of the strain of this estranged relationship …that was in essence no relationship at all. I clearly remember him in his unbalanced state looking at me with such contempt and a physical sign he had made with his hand and finger of this disgust. I laughed it off at the time but looking back I chill at what I had become…a Pharisee withholding my love and the love of my family from the two of them as Corban. It is one of the greatest regrets of my life…I can still see his face and all I have is an apology to offer. Nothing can make up for the time lost to Corban, it is Satanic and evil what was done….no wonder Jesus cut no slack to them who had held the Corban from their parents. The ones who loved and supported them though thick and thin. Those who anguished over their hurts and they will never know  the night that there was heartbroken prayers whispered in the dark for them. All at the cost of traditions of men in the ‘washings’ called divine precepts. What a waste of un- replaceable time. 

Isn’t it Ironic? 

If there is a God in heaven, I know He is not pleased with the misuse of traditions seated in the place of His teachings and therefore His desire. My family has Corban, it is replete with it. It separates it divides it destroys, it wishes the demise of its focus it is Horrid and wreaks of the pit from which I came. It is not the nature of God to divide and destroy but to unify and restore. After all Ezekiel 36:26 is a good view a the heart of God. The group I was a part of has rejected its titular head, the Apostle and now is driving headlong trying to find an identity. Something to re-position themselves as still good and zealous for God. It is merely the death throes of what history teaches of houses built on sand. It is a teaching I remember from years of teaching the precepts of the dysfunctional religious group. The lesson in the introduction made a reference of a house built on sand and the winds blew and floods came and great was the fall of that house. As my children look at the house can they honestly say that the house is built on a solid rock? Question: If they reject the Apostle for his alleged indiscretions, then why do they still hold to the teaching materials produced by them? Sounds suspect to me and a clear indication hat they have no idea who they are in Faith anymore. A rudderless ship soon runs aground .Given the reality of the situation, they cannot. So why do they still hold to their Corban it is unknown to me and it is one regret that they will have that they didn’t reconcile with the second commandment and remove the Corban. I pray this every day: ‘lord it is with a full heart, I mount the plain of Faith and look on the Horizon for their return…because you spoke it ‘I am not done’.. So I sit here on the plain looking on the horizon that I might kill the fatted calf and put a ring on my son’s and daughter’s finger and say ‘Welcome home…’

Musings: A degree of separation...and Forgiveness

 

It has been years since my abrupt departure from the dysfunctional 

religious group I was a part of but the sting still can be recalled and the 

feeling re-traced and experienced. They call it post traumatic stress 

syndrome but the nightmare can be replayed at any time in crystal clear 

accuracy. They say that that is an earmark fo PTS and I believe it. 

The feelings of helplessness, shock of the loss, the embarrassment

 to peers, the guilt of failure. The kind you  feel in the pit of your stomach. 

The terror of an uncertain future. Those are memories now for me and 

thank God distant memories. 

Update on the group: 

I heard that a leader was let go under similar circumstances and the 

Episodes are re-lived, recalled and replayed. Frankly, the ambiguous

 terms of the accusations: The subjective nature of them: “He wasn’t

 equipping leadership adequately on leading the flock..” And  “He was 

not moving the church forward….” Have no teeth but the final nail was 

the accusation of Financial  mis-appropriation of funds (over 40 of them) 

mistakenly taken at face value by a naive flock

 Well now. 

I am no supporter of any leadership in this group given their vicious

nature and rapaciousness but I would counter with ‘show it to me’ 

These are all trump cards meant to deceive and smoke-screen the

 real motive. As for me, I would not trust any accusation farther 

than I could throw it with the accusers. I would say “prove in a court

 of law”. Funny thing is, is that the leadership that gained control

 over the ministry knew all about the financial mis-dealings way-before 

and failed to warn the perpetrator of such deeds. This shows their true 

motive- masters of deceit. They also know that they would be implicated 

along with the perpetrator should things come to light. So they bided their 

time and logged them and documented them. There is no question about

 that. The treasurer of the ministry didn’t stumble upon the 40 counts. 

Either they are incompetent or not forthcoming and fair.

Hmmmm....

I would like to know how far back these account of the 40 misdeeds go. That

would indicate the planning and plotting for a hostile confrontation. This 

smacks of the worldliness and dirty tricks of the corporate world.   Those

that participated in the takeover are just as guilty as the perpetrator 

and so  in a court of law just as liable-a sin of omission—and all this was 

done under the guise of godliness and protection of the flock!!

…what a crock. 

No , all parties are not  Innocent except for the flock they are to be

 pitied under such brutal leadership. 

I for one feel empathy for the fallen leader. I know what he is going

 through and pray for him. I have forgiven him for his part in my 

personal dismissal. The same words must be ringing in his ears. 

The intimidation he must have felt. The merciless deadline looming

over his head the threat of embarrassing potential legal action 

threatened. Who could think clearly under a tight deadline. He did

 what he could only could have done. Panicked and reacted. He 

played right into the hands of his predators. If only he could have 

stood up to them in time. If only I could have doneso. If only. 

That’’s what haunts you over the years as you replay the events in your mind. 

seeking a different outcome. 

I offer a prayer “Lord, help my brother through it. Give him mercy,

 forgive him. Apparently You see value in him to save him from 

the group as you did me. I count it a mercy and grace being pulled 

from the lion’s mouth. Although there is little left of me, You still saw

 fit to save what You could and I thank You…Lord, help him to

 recover from this devastating loss and give Him peace eventually…

I know it will take years for that to happen and the nights he will 

face alone and in the dark terrified but let him know You are

 there and You have committed to face it with him...Lord I 

pray that you allow him the grace to forgive his enemies as 

you have me..and his heart-ache is redeemed with repentance . 

Shore him up Lord and be with him.”

I offer this: if he needs anything he simply has to contact me. 

(the numbers on the blog snd so is my email). He will receive 

an open ear and an open heart and I will come to his aid. 

I know that he was brutal when I knew him and I would bet 

he is not now. What he is going though is life-altering and 

humbling and it is God’s wisdom and grace that has planned 

and executed this to save him from himself. 

I forgive them all for what they continue to do. They know nothing

 else but intrigue, deception while their feet run to evil. John F. 

Kennedy once said “Forgive your enemies but do not forget

their names…? Well said.    

It is said that time heals all wounds, I am not sure of that but

 I do know the Lord will meet you in your pain and heart-ache. 

You see, He can empathize too. He was rejected by His own 

people. Have I changed? Profoundly. No one can go under

such and not be changed by it. But I do see God’s mercy in 

breaking my bones as a shepherd does an errant sheep so

that He may hold it close and nurture it never to stray again. 

God’s mercy is in the longrun. May he have the sight too see it.

A Modest Proposal

One way to look at trials and suffering is the relief at the end and perhaps a blessing from God as a reward to all the trust and faithfulness we demonstrated during the time in the fire. I have lived most of my life with that perception: to look forward to when the trial was over and to receive from God Himself a confirmation that His job in me for that finer quality he wanted to reveal or produce in me was now present. I had grown. I had learned. Now I could go on with a deeper relationship with Him and look back to others that might be behind me and encourage them to keep stepping forward at faith’s pace and eventually be as blessed and experienced as myself….

What a crock. 

What is so special about the reward we receive after the trial we are facing is passed? When really looking at it and examining the state I have found myself in and have been in for years, I have come to realize something that in the outset I did not see.  If you have been following or reading this blog at all, you will know that I have been blogging over a decade and in those posts over the years you have perhaps  journeyed along with me through all kinds of struggles I have faced. But I have to say in all of those, there was at least an inference, a hope, that the situation I was living through would have resolution. So many patterns in the Bible infer and even exemplify such endings: Job’s final state, David’s victory over Absalom, Abraham’s raised knife, Pauls jarred prison door and dare I say it, Jesus’ angelic relief after His testing. The scriptures do tell of such great a powerful endings that one comes to, even trained, to think of a trial only in the light of its coming resolution. 

But.. what if you have waited in light of that and only that: The resolution you have imagined and hoped for. What if that has not come? What if there doesn’t seem to be any hope of it? I know what others have said to me ‘Just keep believing, keep trusting God for that outcome…’  Here is what I have come to: 

“Our soul wait for the Lord. He is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in Him, because we have trusted in His holy name…  Ps 33:20-21

I have come to a point that I no longer hope in a good outcome in my situation and trial. It has been over ten years and over those years I waited for a good outcome. I have learned to sit at His leisure and no longer look for relief. In the verse above is wisdom. David expresses a great truth so often missed in a pursuit and focused attention on relief. There is another way to live and I will provide and example of such:

When you are married, you are beautifully teamed with another. In some times, that other is strong when you are not and it goes the other way as well. You are elated, comforted, strengthened, relieved by that other. The point is it is a life shared. It is this that we must realize is perhaps the greatest thing we can accomplish. When we finally stop looking for the answer and share our lives with Christ where we are and know that wherever we are, He is there sharing our burden, then we have something given to us: our journey has ended in the presence of Christ. I read so many commentaries and expositions that constantly talk about trials in light of their coming resolution when in fact the point may be to learn how to abide with Christ. 

Perhaps this is the truest sign of follower. The point is never the destination, it is being with the Master. The greatest of adventures has no end and so it is with us. 

 Suffering and the Sovereignty of God: The Runes of the Divine

 I have been reading a lot of Charles Haddon Spurgeon these days. Ironically, one of the women my wife knew when we were  in the dysfunctional religious group we were in  had given it to her. I say ironic because it was given for the purpose of looking at the suffering we were going through at the time as a merit badge. Suffering in that group was to be displayed like the phylactery of the Pharisee in Jesus’ time. Funny thing about that it is the religious that crucified Christ not the Enemy. If anything, Satan tried to thwart Him from the Cross. No in a way suffering is a voluntary act. How can I say that? Well it is in the secret of trusting in the Sovereignty of God. We need look no further that the Lord Himself in HIs last hours. 

Christ our Example

The fact is He chose to suffer even separation from God in order to free those who would come under His wings. He suffered for us. We so often overlook the fact that the Father suffered. Oh, what God the Father endured. I cannot imagine. I could never bring myself to turn my back on my own son. To hear all the cries of suffering and impending death and let it happen. I know that He knew the outcome but if I might say it, if God is eternal and His time clock is frozen to the ever present, did He not suffer Himself? I would venture to say that He did. The cries of the 22nd Psalm perhaps through the 31st Psalm it is legend and tradition that Jesus refrained these words written by David as HE suffered and died. It is the phrase of Nicodemus who might have said “Even as He is dying, HE quotes the scriptures…” 

CASTING THE RUNES: COMING TO AN UNDERSTANDING OF SUFFERING

The secret to understand about suffering and how to digest it is to understand that it is the pathway of choice for God to reveal His sovereignty to us all. Through the loss there is true gain. Until His purposes are achieved. 

I know that you are saying “Well and good for you…” and the my words ring inane and hollow like they did for me for the first 13 years after I lost my family to a dysfunctional group after I defected from it. The pain of separation which I assessed  had no purpose was proven wrong. I learned something along the way: the miracle of suffering is that in the beginning, it drives us from God and then turns us miraculously to God. In a sense we fight the impending death we run from it we plead, cry and scream at God to remove it but in the end in the silence of death there is a turning. It is not even something palpable, it is the Spirit or Soul that turns. They say the when the heart is broken and hope is dead and the body cannot go another step, it is the spirit that keeps us alive. I have found that to be true. It is that turning when the heart is broken and the body desires death that the spirit we have turns to God.  No, it is not scripture but it is experience. It is a truth that cannot be read nor cited or even seen because these truthful words are inscribed by the finger of God on our hearts. It is the uniqueness of our own journey from which I source this truth. Just go ask Job. 

THE DEADLY ROOT

Charles Haddon Spurgeon authored at least 25 sermons on the book of Job during his life. Each one is a journey into the understanding of pain. In that walk with him through these sermons, I have learned that God is not often the instigator of suffering but uses it to change us.  I would venture to say that Satan is often blamed for it but I don’t think he is interested in us to that degree. No, suffering mostly comes from ourselves. It is mainly sourced in decisions made by imperfect people; decisions to go or stay, to do or not do something, or even the hesitancy to make any decision at all. Once we understand that we stop blaming God for our condition and stop accusing some phantom demon for our suffering. No, the  enemy stares back at you each day while you shave or put on makeup. In fact, instead of leading us into suffering, our Father and our Brother Jesus are leading us out of it. It is just that the mess we have gotten ourselves into varies. The degree we suffer is in proportion to what life experiences we have created  or been exposed to.  But rest assured He rarely leads us into suffering and when He does so, it is in confidence of us  that He does so knowing we are going to prove His trust in us was well placed. I have found this to be a apt and pithy adage and I wish I had authored it: 

“It is the clinging hand of His child that makes a desperate situation a delight to God…”

                                                                                                                             L H Cowman

READING THE RUNES OF SUFFERING CORRECTLY

The truth is we have gotten ourselves into the mess and God is leading us out. In the scriptures, there is a prophetic vision of  of a shepherd that rescues one of His flock. He comes out with only pieces of his lamb. A leg, an ear….You see we must understand the reality of life. God always seeks to rescue us but the longer we are in the lion’s mouth the less of us there is to save. I disposed the 'best' years of my life -- that is from young adult to middle age, the most productive years a soul has to give to God into a dysfunctional religious group, that was my choice. I have been rescued by my Shepherd but a lot of me is gone. The rest I give to God.

The Road to Perdition

 "...I saw then that my father's only fear was that his son would follow the same road. And that was the last time I ever held a gun. People always thought I grew up on a farm. And I guess, in a way, I did. But I lived a lifetime before that, in those 6 weeks on the road in the winter of 1931. When people ask me if Michael Sullivan was a good man, or if there was just no good in him at all, I always give the same answer. I just tell them... he was my father..." Mike Sullivan - The Road to Perdition

ReRRecollections of a son of a father across the murky currents of memory. Recently I sold our old home where my wife and I last saw our son. I ran across old pictures of him and his friends that had been stuffed in the attic a decade before. I even remember the time clearly of how they got there. My brother and two sisters came to the house to help us put away all the memories. The pictures, the clothes the gifts from them and even diplomas and awards. The sack had been lost in the bustle and sat as a time capsule of life long dead ready to share its secrets on the last night I was ever to be in that house. As I was going through a lost sack of those memories I pulled pictures of my son smiling at a banquet, some pictures with his great friends and two of the hats he wore quite often, One of the hats had a clear slot on its crown where one could put a picture a favorite snapshot to display. There he was with his friends...Joe Cool. Another was a hat I could not help but smile when I saw it. 'Moonpie' I remember that one. In my wading through that bittersweet bag, I realized it was getting late and the house was to close the next day so I hurriedly put all the treasures. I recalled on the night before he left, he said he was going for a drive. I understood that and remembered the many nights when I myself took drives like that when I was young. Just me and the radio and the drone of a Diesel engine it was a respite for the life I was living and I guess the pain of loneliness I felt during my college and post-graduate years. It was a time to pray and to seek God in solitude as songs streamed from the FM and some how I found a pleasure in the pain and I realized I wasn't alone at all. It's kind of corny but in night drives like that I found out God was my co-pilot. I can only hope my son had that same experience on that last drive. The last night we saw our son.    

         Fast forwarding to the present time, a decade forward, I wonder about him a lot and he and his sister are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. It seems the reasons for their departure grow smaller every year in importance while the wound made then is the same or maybe a little more tattered around its edges from being open so long. The demon or whatever I was made out to be then must be a full fledged monster now. A man hell bent with the smell of sulfur that permeates the air around me and leaves its skank on everyone within my circle. on the road to perdition. I am sure some think I have red glowing eyes too. Or perhaps a weak and broken man living out a pittance in misery as a reprobate Job under the curse and pressure of the Almighty's arm.

         I am neither. 

         I am just a man that misses his son and daughter and in that holy act I am as righteous as I ever was or will be. As the years have melted away and I stand in the twilight of my life, I have come to the conclusion that it is fear that keeps them and not some holy quest. What would be that fear? It is the worst of kind that anyone could ever hold or have. It is the fear of being wrong. I know the path of pride well and I wore that garment out years ago. Making a decision stay away from actually the only ones that will ever really care for them because they would have to admit their error...their sin. If I could talk to them only once, it would not be about who was right or wrong, who held the oracles fo God and who doesn't. Our conversation would not be about such things, it would be about how old the children are, what were they doing now, some laughing about old times and looks that would be disarming because it is not the years that have made me bitter at all, they have finally brought my only fond recollections of my son and daughter and how much I love them, even more now than when I knew them. That is what I would say. 

         It has been said that all roads lead to where we are now. Choices we made lead us here. Do I have regrets you betch. But in all that darkness and pain driving thought the blackness, I have come to realize like I did so very long ago, God is still my co-pilot. 

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The World Is Not Flat

 It is hard to believe that once it was a common belief that the world was flat. If you sailed off into the blue foam, you would meet your doom falling off the edge of the world and plunge in to Lord knows what. It was proven that the world was round and the fear of sailing off and over the edge is now more of a child’s understanding or imagination run wild. 

I was told in so many words by those that I once looked to for leadership that my life would come crashing down at the edge of the world should I seek the horizon. In fact in my embarkment to find my own horizon and not the harbor where they lay, I was told the eventual  destination was my worst nightmare. I have found that supposition to also be a child’s tale. I have come back from that horizon with my own story and it is one of wonder, adventure and so many things worth sailing for. 

You might ask what was my harbor? It was a ‘church’ and I use that word loosely. Run by a metaphorical Captain Queeg who lived in suspicion, intrigue and general paranoia. What it really boiled  down to I believe was insecurity. That someone other that himself could hear from God. That initiative could come from outside his own imagination and aspiration. You see that harbor was not picturesque and serene but a place where ships suffered wreckage of self, family and all the aspects of a normal life. In fact, it is no harbor at all but a graveyard of wreckage and as time rolls on, it becomes more apparent that if one stays, the end does not come as sailing off into the blue and horribly plunging but a slow, leaking death that drains all hope, will and self identity in the name of a God that is not Christian at all. 

This blog entry is my bread upon the water to those still in that harbor of death. Don’t you understand that ships, your ship, is not meant to stay in harbor that is a mainstay and respite but your life is among the free sea and the ever expanding horizon. You are not doing what you were born for at all but sit anchored and in a slowly mundane and bobbing death.  I have come back to tell you, to whisper to you, there is life on the high sea, adventure on the high sea, and the fulfillment of things you have not yet imagined are in store. 

Let me give you an example. I am 63 years old now. In the harbor what I would be told pretty much would go like this: ‘ we appreciate your service but realistically, you are too old to really contribute so just hang in there and we will try to find something fo you to do’ .  How many of you wait on something from the lips of the captain, a man,  as if it were the voice of God. It is not. It is not even close. Well, back to my example. I stand here at 63 with an opportunity to venture out on a completely new venue in my life professionally. Your church and the world would probably say I was crazy and that is an improbable thing….but here I sit. 

I stand on the deck of my ship looking at a horizon without limits, I can hardly catch a breath or hold a thought in my head. My journey’s path and even my destination are uncertain. Yet I tell you THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT!  To stand at the helm and to point my ship in the direction I am led to follow not knowing the outcome. What a blessing. What a life. This is the life of faith. I am not a young man but God gives me wind in my sail and my heart is now a twenty year old’s with hope and expectation and uncertainty . It is outside the harbor of deterioration and entropy. It is doing what I was born and intended to do. If you read Bible carefully you will conclude that there is nothing that ever happened in a harbor that was of any consequence. But on the sea, there were miracles, many of them. 

The life is out there and the harbor you really seek is not the one you are in now. There is only the endless waiting, inactivity and mind numbing marching in time….just look busy. My daughter years ago made shadow box for me for Christmas. In it there is a picture of an immigrant Mom and Dad with a little son pointing to the Statue of Liberty on Ellis Island. There is a key in that shadowbox and a scripture: 

“…they are seeking a country of their own….as it is they desire a better country, that is a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God for He has prepared a city for them…” 

My little girl is grown up now and has a family of her own as my son. Their ships lie still lie in that harbor I left years ago, Perhaps they are told that they are something other than a ship or that they are in no seaworthy state to venture out only under their leaders’ sanction. But the fact remains, they are doing the exact opposite of what they were born for. 

I have come back to tell them, do not listen to the lie that the earth is flat. There is no hellish maelstrom waiting for them out of harbor and on the high seas. Will there be storms and peril? Oh yes, but you will be living in the adventure of your own life, your own path and not what someone told you to be.  

I have seen hope on the high seas and adventures to last many lifetimes.  You see, it is the way of faith. We were not meant to live in a harbor because the world is not flat. 

Headpeeper Part IV: Recovery - One's Perspective

I have promised this entry for some time and have been  a little reticent to tackle such a subject. The reason is the definition of recovery as a state of being and mind is subjective. Having said that, I will give you my definition of it. 

If you are familiar with the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I will use that as a vehicle for my explanation. Frodo, the main character, sits in his study writing and reflecting, reflecting and writing about his journeys. They are all over now and as he pauses he rubs his chest with a painful look. Samwise his companion comes in and asks him ‘Whats wrong?’ Frodo pauses and says, “…its been four years since Weathertop and it still has not healed…” 

What is the morale of that tale? Sometimes when evil touches you, it marks you, injures you permanently. So has Frodo recovered? In some fashion I guess but the scar, the pain and the brush with evil comes rushing in at times of recollection. … and so it is with me. 

I have been fundamentally altered by what I have been through. I have changed and while I am back at the Shire, there is some degree of separation from the normalcy around me. I can ignore it or even suppress it but it is there…it is the painful scar from the Morgul Blade. 

I can catalog it, analyze it and explain it as I have in this blog series but there is no accounting for the taint of evil that shadows my soul.  This is what haunts me. What also haunts my concern for my family still within Mordor. Are they now Gollums that are seeking after something they can not ever truly possess? Transforming from what I knew them to be to what they are now. Would I recognize them? Would I know them? Can they be known? What has happened to them? This also haunts me.

What was Frodo’s solution? It was not to be found in the shire. In fact entire Middle Earth there was no where. It was only the far away land called the white shores  that could be a respite. There was no where else.  He went on a last journey with his friends to the parting that is inevitable .

While we are back physically we will never be in the same mental place or surroundings. The far away hill beckons and the restlessness is a constant reminder we are all sojourners. The difference is people like me know it. What have come to realize is that I only see one footprint in the sand trail behind me and their pattern is not my own. It is smudged with blood from marks made by cruel nails. This is my comfort and my recovery, if desolation allows me the privilege of being carried by the Savior as I am too weak to make the journey to its end, I count that a blessing. It is an intimacy I could not purchase, earn or attain to. It only comes to those who are carried in such a way. 

Is that recovery I cannot say. There is no raising of the sword in victory. There is only the survival of the battle and the calmness that is present by the ceased carnage around me.  I am sorry that I cannot offer much more than that but what I offer is real: the faraway look, the pain of the past but in all of that the steady plodding and undulation of the One that carries me Home.  

Headpeeper Part III: How Did I Get Here?

In the last blog entry on this subject I made the final statement of exactly what was the apothecary mix that caused my attraction, enmeshment, remaining and gaining leadership in the cult? 

Well that is quite a mouthful so let me break it down in those parts.

I. What caused my attraction? As the last blog suggests, I believe is it a common angst within every one living. We seek to complete in our personal development what we see as lacking or to fill the inadequacy. So, what was I looking for? An ideal church that practiced New Testament living. That is was a authentic as possible. Why? So that I could say that my drive to please God (a substitute for parents?) could be realized. How does the cult do this? In a study called “The False Transformational Promise of Biblical Based Cults: Archetypal Dynamics (Cultic Studies Journal Vol 7, No.2, 1990), the lure is presented plainly. Biblically based cults focus on universal human vulnerabilities. Basically the guy offers a high degree of validation. Let’s face it we are all looking for someone to say ‘good job’ or ‘your re doing it right’ In a cult situation that Is the carrot offered. ‘If you stay with us, you will realize all you seek in terms of following Christ. What you see in a cult is behavior and at least the conveyance by those cult members that they have or are in the process of achieving spiritual transcendence. The emotional baggage of their past has been lifted and they have received relief from the angst of an unfulfilled life. Morever, this is due to their submittal to subordination and subservience to the leadership. This is at least what is presented to the newcomer. As a result, the fait accompli is completed in that the newcomer is set to expect redevelopment which is ultimately a giving over their personal boundaries and total presentation of self in whatever stage of development has been achieved to those in charge. This is called biblical submittal. In fact, in my case, this was a public proclamation and covenant made by myself in front of the entire cult group that I would submit to leadership in order for them to help me ‘be made over in the image of Christ’ however, their definition of what that is never was defined. Basically, it is carte blanche with no boundaries. In other words, fulfillment of what was sought was promised but what was surrendered amounted to a total emasculation. So the stage was set for the next phase.

II. What caused my enmeshment? It is best explained as a natural progression (regression) of any person development and a re-embedment into the pre-egoic state. This is a deconstruction of one’s self. Once submittal happens in this degree, you are on the hook .Testing of loyalty begins. This is couched in terms of being renewed in the spirit of your mind. Members now strive to suppress critical thoughts, purge themselves from ‘undesirable feelings’ — in fact in my case, we were told that ‘feelings follow decisions’ We were conditioned to intercept or thought-block certain thoughts such as the way we felt about family and friends outside of the cult. So what is the bottom line? One word:  REPRESS. All the struggles we had with our former lives and mode of thinking and relationships were submitted to the mandates of the cult. We could not live in both worlds. The world we knew had to be rejected for the world we had embraced. This struggle is almost always couched in spiritual terms. In other words, one is taught to re-interpret interpersonal struggles as evil attacks that seek to dislodge the new convert from their spiritual growth. Think of it. Those who perhaps raised us or we were raised by are to be thought of as obstacles to spiritual growth and endanger ones’ spiritual survival. What does this evolve into? The entrant now devolves into a pre-egoic state. In other words, all decisions, thoughts of well being and even survival are linked to the archetypal Mother (cult leadership). Ones psychological dependence is complete. the Bible is used to foster pre-egoic functioning of the cult member. The old life is eschewed and the natural development (and rightly so) of one’s mind into a state of autonomy is denied and even seen as fleshly. One cannot be self-determining in a cult and survive it. Even though this is a NATURAL and healthy state of maturity and self development. Finally as this is playing out, all socialization has the cult as its focus and Lynch-pin. One’s time becomes fully occupied by the cult’s programs and goals. Personal goals are subservient at best to the cult’s goals. This can span career choice, mate choice to everyday life such as friendships and even minor daily choices. In a final state, the cults group ethos becomes ones’ private reality and there is no individual reality that is not subjected to the cults evaluation and assessment. 

III. Why did I remain in the cult? Well as a natural progression from point 2 above, all self determination is being eroded and replaced by group think and adulation at every point of personal identity surrendered. As a result, the morph of personal decision making into reliance on the leadership to frame each personal decision in light of cultic teaching is embedded. The result is no decision can be made. Especially ones that entail addressing repressed thoughts, goals and individualization. One sees themself as being deceived or rebellious if any free thought is entertained. Think of it. A person whose entire sense of autonomy is being deconstructed. The actual process of maturing involves that autonomy being realized is blocked; one is self condemned for thinking outside the fold and mindset of the cult. Moreover the looming thought of disfellowshipping involves separation from the one source of stability in their life within the cult. What does this lead to? Further repression and even an acceleration of self-denial and de-construction. The treadmill of self denial, conformity and sacrifice is kicked into high gear. What is the fruit of such a cycle? The need for further validation and even further regression into pre-egoic developmental capacity — the end result is a total elimination of who we really are. 

IV. How did I achieve leadership status in the cult? As long as one ‘progresses’ in the dynamics of the points above, the carrot may be realized albeit only in a tenuous manner. There is never a time that ones’ position is solidified and safe. It has been my experience that the most significant falls of leadership have occurred to those who were perceived to be the epitome of the leadership’s vision. The greatest sin one can make in a cult is to be self-determining. To allow one’s self to receive direction independent of the leadership. To function semi-autonomously from the leadership and to experience natural and healthy personal maturity. When I left the cult’s main seat of power to be an offshoot of the cult and become an extension of the cult, distance was the insulator from daily oversight and it was not always practical to communicate with the main source for everyday decisions. Ergo, I was forced to pray about and make decisions ( that is quite normal state of operation for any type of human life: to reach a state of maturity where one can at least make some decisions on one’s own). As time reeled on (20 years). My maturity continued and in some rare aspects applauded by those who were my leadership. But eventually, the very process of growth undid my progress and made me look either deceived or rebellious. As a result, my estrangement from leadership began and progressed to a point where I was no longer to be accepted as one of their own. Now to be honest, I cannot say I was a fully mature or anywhere near that. I was making some decisions but my conditioned dependence upon leadership was still absolute. So when the final blow of separation came, the degree of disorientation and psychic damage was almost total. My wife and my now grown kids caught in the middle as well as my little congregation. The power wielded against me was unsurmountable and as such I lost everything. The mantra that I had taught all those years now seared into the psyche of my son and daughters as well as my congregants. What was the result of that? The loss of them all. All of them. For me the damage ceased and the destruction complete. For my wife a few years of total dis-orientation. For my children, the damage is still on-going. I have yet to believe that they even know who they are anymore. Whatever life they have is now sourced in the lives of their leadership — they have regressed fully into a pre-egoic state - -total reliance on someone that is driven by their own need for ego-inflation sourced in insecurity.  How am I able to assess the damage done to my children? One has since made it out of the cult and so I am able to see the damage done first hand. They are rebuilding their lives as I and my wife are doing to this day (we have been out 10 years and the one the made it out has been out about two years).

V. A character sketch of my former leader: 

Here is the character sketch of the cult leadership I had lived under for almost 25 years: 

“The natural cult leader has deeply repressed any  awareness of his insecurities and is in ceaseless peril of losing his ego identity to the terrifying reality of his powerful neediness. He must compulsively remind himself that he is worthy, and he manipulates those around him to provide him with the validation he desperately seeks..They bypass the necessary remedial work for authentic ego development and achieve ego-inflation in three ways: a> placing themselves in a position of authority (my leader was a self-proclaimed apostle) b> preserve the power structure of the church (he now has his pre-egoic son running his  estate) and finally c> increases their followers dependence and self sacrifice.” —  from the journal above cited. 

How this plays out: 

“Perhaps the leaders’ most coercive method of increasing followers’ dependence is requiring followers to prove their discipleship by servicing as a living extension of the leaders own ego. Followers are required to mechanically imitate their immediate superior’s personality, including flaws and quirks…all personalities ultimately reflect the persona of the cult’s founder."

In retrospect, I have never met a man who has been so effaced by his own hand and actions. I have never met a man who had so altered himself, he has no semblance of humanity at all. He is a self imposed caricature of life. There is no dimension, no personal emotion only self imposed hate and total deconstruction. He has become an iconoclastic statue in his own realm. 

God have mercy on him and to all that follow. 

V. Recovery?

Well that is food for another blog. Stay tuned.  

Headpeeper Part II: "How did I end up in a cult and why did I stay so long?"

I get the question a lot when I talk to people about my past history. I will begin my meandering explanation below but at the outset I have to say until recently I have always looked at manipulation from the leaders from an external point of view as a main cause. What I have come to realize is that is not fully true and it is a shallow answer to blame others for your own mistakes. No, the answer is much more vast than just playing the blame game. The main truth is ‘No one can do anything to you unless you allow it….’  The condition of my life and entry into the maelstrom of a cult is  more common than you might think. You see, in all of us there is a process or ‘mapping of the human soul’ as Carl Jung put it. It is an experience common to us all so count yourself a part of the human condition with all its possbilities — good and bad.

What I am about to share with you is universal to all of us. Cult or not, there is an element in everyone’s angst of self-actualization and personal ascendance from infantile to maturity. We are a complex animal and what we miss or what is withheld from or given to us at early stages of development continue to linger on through our lives. We cover things up but the basic and raw need unfulfilled or vulnerability exposed and left open is still present under it all. In other words, we get stuck between childhood and adulthood at various stages of development depending on what has happened to us in our lives. It is the human condition. We all have imperfect parents who although they did the best they could were able only to actuate out of what they themselves had. 

What is the reality? 

Given the right conditions, almost ANYONE can be drawn into a place that promises what they have lacked in their own life journey.  What person on this earth had perfect parents? I would venture to say very few. We all arrive at physical adulthood at various stages of mental development .When a cult promises to complete or perhaps re-engineer in that  person to fill the void present from one’s life experience, needless to say it is a temptation to at the very least explore that offer. This is what a cult promises. This is why people get caught in a cult. 

I am no psycho-analyst by any means but see if this doesn’t make sense. I will later tie this into the cult member’s psyche. 

Carl Jung was a pioneer in ,spelunking the regions of the mind. He proposes the following stages of growth to maturity.

 In the below, I will use the term ‘Mother’ to refer to the parenting unit as a whole that encompasses what the child perceives to be the parental unit

Stage I: pre-egoic. Part I:  This is the infantile state of every human soul. It is defined as where there is no separation or delineation between one’s self and their mother. As any infant can be observed, they are totally dependent on the Mother. In the beginning, the mother caters to the infants needs. It is a total immersing of the infant into the caring and loving arms of the mother. Feedings happen as well as diaper changes and stimulus to keep the child engaged and happy. In this state the child is in a perfectly blissful state of being. It experiences the unconditional love and care of the mother (in most instances under normal conditions).

Stage II: Pre-egoic Part II. As the child grows, schedules become more rigid, actions may meet with reproof and as such the child  experiences a conflict of being passive to the actions of the  mother  versus the beginning stages autonomy where the child due to the actions (or lack thereof) of the Mother, starts to individuate. 

So what do we see as the role of authority here in the life of the infant  from their point of view: There are two sides of the Mother:  The ‘Great’ Mother versus the ‘Terrible’ Mother. In the beginning there is nothing but unconditional love but as the life between the infant and mother expands, the Mother begins to impose rigidity and perhaps puts conditions on her love and approval. The more these conditions are experienced by the infant, the more angst the child experiences in becoming detached from the Mother. This is a natural progression of the life of anyone human. We all have experienced it to a certain degree and our experiences are more common than we would believe that they are. 

Stage III: The egoic stage: Once the infant begins to individuate from the Mother, there are two general directions it can flow ( there is a lot of grey area here of course but let’s keep it a general direction knowing there as a wide spectrum of possibilities in those general directions). These directions are still based on the primal orientation and role of the Mother.  The Mother can respond to this stage in two ways to each life experience of the growing child: they can respond in affirmation and positive reinforcement or they do not. Here is the crux: to the degree the Mother affirms the life experiences of the child, the child will either build upon that in their self development or the child will log that as area where some supplement is needed. The end result is either development of self-confidence and healthy sense of self worth or the lack thereof. As the child grows into adulthood, the life experience of the child will have a firm foundation or one that even the child themselves senses is inadequate. 

So what am I saying? 

Given the fallibility of parents in general, the child that becomes physically an adult may under all the facade of self-compensation be looking for something that promises completion or at least resolution to areas that never received the degree of affirmation that they expected.   

In essence, the majority of mankind is looking for transcendence to a state of maturity that somehow and someway was never reached. In other words, we in life are unfulfilled looking to fill a void of simple affirmation that we are ‘on-schedule’ and moving forward towards a whole person body, mind and spirit. 

So take a look again at yourself and ask the question. Could YOU be susceptible to a cult? I would say it is highly likely — given the right conditions. It is the universal condition and it goes all they way back to Adam and Eve — we are all their children. 

Enter the Cult. 

So what was the apothecary mix of circumstances that caused my attraction, my enmeshment, my remaining and my gaining leadership in the cult? 

That is another blog entry…stay tuned. 

Headpeeper: A look into a Cult Member’s Mind Part I - An Introduction

It is as much a confession as it is  a process now. After being out of a dysfunctionalreligious group for ten years, I still look for reasons why I stayed in so long and even led the cause of the group as a pastoral leader. Pastor—hmmm, I wonder if the is even an appropriate title for me now or even for anyone in leadership in the group I was actually kicked out of. Yes, kicked out. What was a cause for such an action on a group that needed members to propagate itself. What was my heinous act? Some would say it was my rebellion, some would say it was my thinking too highly of myself to place myself on equal footing with the Leader. But in retrospect it really wasn’t any of those things. No, it really was:

The sin of autonomy. 

What do I mean by such a phrase? To really explain this phrase, I have to delve in the Jungian dynamic that drives every human soul — everyone of us. Recently, I was given some material by  friend who has dealt with cults and heretical branches of Christianity over the years. In one of the Volumes of the Cultic Studies Journal, there was an artiicle that laid out clearly and succinctly the what has been called the transformational process of a person into a cult member.  What is it that causes the transformational changes? Why does the person who is a regular Joe with problems get tangled and stay tangled in a cult even long after they discover it is not heaven at all that they have found, it is hell. 

Carl Jung in his psychoanalysis of the human mind fits nicely into the explanation of why a person takes the bait, why they allow such abuse and treatment, why they embrace the continued use of it and ultimately when discarded, lose their faith when they leave or are kicked out as I was myself. One thing can be said for sure, there is no parting without some kind of bloodshed for the most part. Those that do are much smarter than I and I only have my own experience to think about. 

So as we take these steps together and I stitch together personal experience with research I have done, please bear in mind that I do not have the  answers, I have only my own story to tell and tell it I shall. 

Again, here are the framing questions:

1> What is Jung's definition of transformational change and how does that axiom apply to a cult member's morphing into a zealot? 

2> Why does a person who is a regular Joe with problems get tangled up and stay tangled in a cult?

3> What drives a person in a cult to allow such change that is so invasive and destructive? 

4> What is the usual fate of the ex-cult member? How do they view life and is there any reckoning in their lives for what has happened to them. 

I can remember that when I  had just been thrown out of the cult, that one of the Leaders told someone I knew with a bewildered and frustrated look on his face ‘Why can’t they (me and my wife), just move on?’ This series of entries will ultimately answer  that question. 

But first some background will be needed in order to apply to my story. So stay tuned. 

A Hole in TIme

It has been about 10 years since I have seen some immediate family. We try to go on with life and have some semblance of normalcy but I have to say it is a temporary thing. 

Somethings you never get over. Somethings never heal. It is the price if love and because it is that force thet holds you, there is no other force that can overpower it.  It continues to think only the good in people, bears a wrong suffered, Hopes all things are possible. It is the hole in time from which there is no other escape. We cannot escape it because there is the presence of love for the missing pieces in our lives and it is part of the deal. 

Recently my wife took. Job and I was glad for her and very proud. For my wife it has been a great struggle over the loss of those she birthed. There have been some conversations over the years but non of them leading to anything good. I was hoping through the job that she could find value in helping people who really needed it. She has been excellent in her performing her duties almost to.a point of fault. She has received several recognitions from her company for her care for patients that have come under her care. She slaved over documentation and ensuring all the paperwork associated with the patients was done thoroughly and all the requirements were met…and there were many. I was so proud of her and to see her face light up when she actually made a difference in someone’s life because she was in it. But it was taking a toll on her. What she once had to deal with the stresses of life she no longer was able to gather it. She tried again and again but each time she had to draw from that place there was little to be found and eventually there was nothing to draw from anymore. It was gone. Her ability to cope with such issues was no longer at the level she once had. It was the hole in time that had taken from her the very life and strength to keep going. I was trying to encourage her to keep it up but I have to say my expectations for her were too high. I forgot about the hole in time. The loss has taken its toll and frankly there is nothin to draw from anymore. It is a terrible thing to see someone have to give up something she loves to do because she just cannot gather enough to continue. 

The Hole in time is some place where you choose to dwell because it is anchored in love. You don’t think love is destructive but it is at times. You cannot forget and you cannot change your mind without leaving something behind that you cannot.ever let go of…your children. That is too much of a cost. 

So here we dwell in the hole in time. There is no escape because we choose not to we cannot forget those once who walked with us. 

So we wait frozen in the Hole in time. Victory has lost it former definition. Now it is defined in being able to live one day at a time. That has to be good enough.

The Exit and a Christmas Blessing

In a movie theatre it is the first thing you look for. In the opulent theaters of Hollywoods’s golden age, They were gilded caged letters softly glowing in the murky smoky drone of the on going picture. ‘Exit’ . Sooner or later, we use it. There is no intermission and there is no avoiding it. It is difficult living with a chronic condition. You go as if nothing is wrong and all is okay until another event tells you that there is no escaping it. The ironic blessing is that those with conditions that signal an exit, know full well the preciousness and brevity of our walk on this earth. When they come, you take the medicine  say a prayer for a positive outcome but ultimately you never know the outcome. Will the futile  medicine work to stave off the condition or are these the last hours? Frankly you never know. This is when you know your faith. At that time, the vapor of life hangs in the air and you see how fragile it is. It is a gossamer web lilting in  a slight breeze. It is in that moment you realize that the wife sleeping beside you may not see you as you are at that moment ever again. So you pray and you hope. 

We go on our busyness of each day with its own troubles and highs and lows but in the backdrop just off stage, there is a looming senes of life’s brevity. This is when thoughts fly not to one’s self and what is ahead but the memories flood in on you and it is in that moment you realize the fullness of life that have been lived. You see and feel in those moments the love and exhilaration of a kiss, a hug, a laugh and a cry. The times that you prayed when you were desperate for an answer. Funny thing is that though thoughts and memories do not focus around what you did, what you achieved, or even what you failed at in your life. Your remember the softness of baby hair, the smell of lotion on a freshly changed son. The taste of a kiss from a new bride and a dance with a daughter at her wedding. The children’s laughter comes flooding in and it is then you realized that you not only held love in your hands but you touched it and tasted it. This is what I remember about my life most of all. It has been a good one in my estimation. I think we all feel that we have lived several lives and I do not think it is uncommon to think that. I guess the question I have for you is what do you remember at those times when the vapor of life seems so fragile. For those of faith it is not fear — it really isn’t. It is about a life lived and the good things the Lord has allowed you to experience. It is about moving to new places in your heart in mind. It s about holding no malice or ill will because in those times there is no place for that. It is said in the Old Testament that the  word for death  translates as gathering. It is not a harsh and dark thing, it is much akin to when Jesus looked at Jerusalem and mourned His rejection from them. He sought to gather them and in that sense I do the same. I look at those who have rejected me, all of them and the only emotion I can muster is far from anger, it is a feeling of what might of been and what could have been shared between them and me. That is what I think about. 

So I say this Holiday Season to those who think ill of me, please know I do not think ill of you. I understand that you are doing what you think is best for you and yours. I get that. I wish you nothing  but peace and rich love from all that is in your fleeting life. At Christmas time many put candles in the window to signify that the Mother with Child and the Young Husband are welcome within. There was no room for them in Bethlehem so they did the best they could and God met them there. So I put a  candle in the window in hope, a hope I will never lose because it if based on love for true love hopes all things. 

Merry Christmas to all I have wronged please forgive me and do not count it to my ledger. Believe me I have put enough there for the both of us. I hope you can forgive as I have forgiven you. This is the instructions of our Lord because He most of all understood the weight and baggage we carry around with us. Let it go, reach out and know a hand will be there to grasp yours and there will not be anything but love felt between us.