In the last blog entry on this subject I made the final statement of exactly what was the apothecary mix that caused my attraction, enmeshment, remaining and gaining leadership in the cult?
Well that is quite a mouthful so let me break it down in those parts.
I. What caused my attraction? As the last blog suggests, I believe is it a common angst within every one living. We seek to complete in our personal development what we see as lacking or to fill the inadequacy. So, what was I looking for? An ideal church that practiced New Testament living. That is was a authentic as possible. Why? So that I could say that my drive to please God (a substitute for parents?) could be realized. How does the cult do this? In a study called “The False Transformational Promise of Biblical Based Cults: Archetypal Dynamics (Cultic Studies Journal Vol 7, No.2, 1990), the lure is presented plainly. Biblically based cults focus on universal human vulnerabilities. Basically the guy offers a high degree of validation. Let’s face it we are all looking for someone to say ‘good job’ or ‘your re doing it right’ In a cult situation that Is the carrot offered. ‘If you stay with us, you will realize all you seek in terms of following Christ. What you see in a cult is behavior and at least the conveyance by those cult members that they have or are in the process of achieving spiritual transcendence. The emotional baggage of their past has been lifted and they have received relief from the angst of an unfulfilled life. Morever, this is due to their submittal to subordination and subservience to the leadership. This is at least what is presented to the newcomer. As a result, the fait accompli is completed in that the newcomer is set to expect redevelopment which is ultimately a giving over their personal boundaries and total presentation of self in whatever stage of development has been achieved to those in charge. This is called biblical submittal. In fact, in my case, this was a public proclamation and covenant made by myself in front of the entire cult group that I would submit to leadership in order for them to help me ‘be made over in the image of Christ’ however, their definition of what that is never was defined. Basically, it is carte blanche with no boundaries. In other words, fulfillment of what was sought was promised but what was surrendered amounted to a total emasculation. So the stage was set for the next phase.
II. What caused my enmeshment? It is best explained as a natural progression (regression) of any person development and a re-embedment into the pre-egoic state. This is a deconstruction of one’s self. Once submittal happens in this degree, you are on the hook .Testing of loyalty begins. This is couched in terms of being renewed in the spirit of your mind. Members now strive to suppress critical thoughts, purge themselves from ‘undesirable feelings’ — in fact in my case, we were told that ‘feelings follow decisions’ We were conditioned to intercept or thought-block certain thoughts such as the way we felt about family and friends outside of the cult. So what is the bottom line? One word: REPRESS. All the struggles we had with our former lives and mode of thinking and relationships were submitted to the mandates of the cult. We could not live in both worlds. The world we knew had to be rejected for the world we had embraced. This struggle is almost always couched in spiritual terms. In other words, one is taught to re-interpret interpersonal struggles as evil attacks that seek to dislodge the new convert from their spiritual growth. Think of it. Those who perhaps raised us or we were raised by are to be thought of as obstacles to spiritual growth and endanger ones’ spiritual survival. What does this evolve into? The entrant now devolves into a pre-egoic state. In other words, all decisions, thoughts of well being and even survival are linked to the archetypal Mother (cult leadership). Ones psychological dependence is complete. the Bible is used to foster pre-egoic functioning of the cult member. The old life is eschewed and the natural development (and rightly so) of one’s mind into a state of autonomy is denied and even seen as fleshly. One cannot be self-determining in a cult and survive it. Even though this is a NATURAL and healthy state of maturity and self development. Finally as this is playing out, all socialization has the cult as its focus and Lynch-pin. One’s time becomes fully occupied by the cult’s programs and goals. Personal goals are subservient at best to the cult’s goals. This can span career choice, mate choice to everyday life such as friendships and even minor daily choices. In a final state, the cults group ethos becomes ones’ private reality and there is no individual reality that is not subjected to the cults evaluation and assessment.
III. Why did I remain in the cult? Well as a natural progression from point 2 above, all self determination is being eroded and replaced by group think and adulation at every point of personal identity surrendered. As a result, the morph of personal decision making into reliance on the leadership to frame each personal decision in light of cultic teaching is embedded. The result is no decision can be made. Especially ones that entail addressing repressed thoughts, goals and individualization. One sees themself as being deceived or rebellious if any free thought is entertained. Think of it. A person whose entire sense of autonomy is being deconstructed. The actual process of maturing involves that autonomy being realized is blocked; one is self condemned for thinking outside the fold and mindset of the cult. Moreover the looming thought of disfellowshipping involves separation from the one source of stability in their life within the cult. What does this lead to? Further repression and even an acceleration of self-denial and de-construction. The treadmill of self denial, conformity and sacrifice is kicked into high gear. What is the fruit of such a cycle? The need for further validation and even further regression into pre-egoic developmental capacity — the end result is a total elimination of who we really are.
IV. How did I achieve leadership status in the cult? As long as one ‘progresses’ in the dynamics of the points above, the carrot may be realized albeit only in a tenuous manner. There is never a time that ones’ position is solidified and safe. It has been my experience that the most significant falls of leadership have occurred to those who were perceived to be the epitome of the leadership’s vision. The greatest sin one can make in a cult is to be self-determining. To allow one’s self to receive direction independent of the leadership. To function semi-autonomously from the leadership and to experience natural and healthy personal maturity. When I left the cult’s main seat of power to be an offshoot of the cult and become an extension of the cult, distance was the insulator from daily oversight and it was not always practical to communicate with the main source for everyday decisions. Ergo, I was forced to pray about and make decisions ( that is quite normal state of operation for any type of human life: to reach a state of maturity where one can at least make some decisions on one’s own). As time reeled on (20 years). My maturity continued and in some rare aspects applauded by those who were my leadership. But eventually, the very process of growth undid my progress and made me look either deceived or rebellious. As a result, my estrangement from leadership began and progressed to a point where I was no longer to be accepted as one of their own. Now to be honest, I cannot say I was a fully mature or anywhere near that. I was making some decisions but my conditioned dependence upon leadership was still absolute. So when the final blow of separation came, the degree of disorientation and psychic damage was almost total. My wife and my now grown kids caught in the middle as well as my little congregation. The power wielded against me was unsurmountable and as such I lost everything. The mantra that I had taught all those years now seared into the psyche of my son and daughters as well as my congregants. What was the result of that? The loss of them all. All of them. For me the damage ceased and the destruction complete. For my wife a few years of total dis-orientation. For my children, the damage is still on-going. I have yet to believe that they even know who they are anymore. Whatever life they have is now sourced in the lives of their leadership — they have regressed fully into a pre-egoic state - -total reliance on someone that is driven by their own need for ego-inflation sourced in insecurity. How am I able to assess the damage done to my children? One has since made it out of the cult and so I am able to see the damage done first hand. They are rebuilding their lives as I and my wife are doing to this day (we have been out 10 years and the one the made it out has been out about two years).
V. A character sketch of my former leader:
Here is the character sketch of the cult leadership I had lived under for almost 25 years:
“The natural cult leader has deeply repressed any awareness of his insecurities and is in ceaseless peril of losing his ego identity to the terrifying reality of his powerful neediness. He must compulsively remind himself that he is worthy, and he manipulates those around him to provide him with the validation he desperately seeks..They bypass the necessary remedial work for authentic ego development and achieve ego-inflation in three ways: a> placing themselves in a position of authority (my leader was a self-proclaimed apostle) b> preserve the power structure of the church (he now has his pre-egoic son running his estate) and finally c> increases their followers dependence and self sacrifice.” — from the journal above cited.
How this plays out:
“Perhaps the leaders’ most coercive method of increasing followers’ dependence is requiring followers to prove their discipleship by servicing as a living extension of the leaders own ego. Followers are required to mechanically imitate their immediate superior’s personality, including flaws and quirks…all personalities ultimately reflect the persona of the cult’s founder."
In retrospect, I have never met a man who has been so effaced by his own hand and actions. I have never met a man who had so altered himself, he has no semblance of humanity at all. He is a self imposed caricature of life. There is no dimension, no personal emotion only self imposed hate and total deconstruction. He has become an iconoclastic statue in his own realm.
God have mercy on him and to all that follow.
V. Recovery?
Well that is food for another blog. Stay tuned.
