Chilling title I know but in this case, I believe it is appropriate. I had a recent conversation with someone that is very dear to me but avoids any type of contact with me. This has troubled me for several years because I think of all the good things that we both could have experienced. So rather than play the blame game, I will admit I had most to do with the estrangement. You see, I rejected the leader of us both at the time and this person along with others sided with the leader – which was their choice and to be honest I respect that choice.
In response to Kevin’s last blog, I have a few things to say.
When our children sided with the church and left us, it was inevitable. They had been indoctrinated to put the apostle first before anything or anyone else, including family.
We lived this before them for twenty- three years. Kevin and I put the apostle and his teachings first before our own families.
We had decided that it was time to come out from under the alternative doctrine where Jesus was just a symbol and the apostle was the one you had a relationship with. Before we could do that on our own initiative, we were kicked out.
Because we had seen the heresy incased by authority, when those pastors came down to remove Kevin from the office of pastor, I was relieved. I had expectations of moving on in Jesus without the intimidation and manipulation of a doctrine that focused on performance and mortal obedience.
I never dreamed that our children wouldn’t follow suit. Their eyes had not been opened to what we saw and when the time came for them to make a choice, they chose what they had beheld all those years. They chose a doctrine of dos and don’ts, a doctrine of Law and not Spirit and a doctrine of conditional love.
As Kevin said in his blog, they made a choice and he respects that. I can’t. I know that deep down beneath skewed logic is a place in their reasoning that has been shut off but still remains. Even though we have been made to represent the epitome of deception and even worse because we don’t see their “truth”, I still have hope.
A mother’s heart never grows cold. A mother’s heart never gives up. And a mother’s heart loves ”unconditionally”.
When our children left us, the pain was so intense that I couldn’t bear it. My mind couldn’t or wouldn’t perceive what had happened and I wanted to go away for a while to a place within myself where I could be numb. I never made it there.
Today, ten years later, the pain is just as intense. I only function with the help of my Lord Jesus, Kevin and others that love me.
When we received the phone call that Kevin mentioned, I was the one who answered and heard a voice that is still a part of me today. I traveled back in time to ten years ago and it was as if it was yesterday.
No, I will never move on and wish my children well. I will always continue to wait at the door of my heart and be looking in the far distance for that prodigal that I will recognize as soon as they walk over the horizon. I see them in my dreams but one day it will be face to face. Only then will I receive respite from the pain.
Some Last Thoughts...
Our thoughts on how to deal with the loss is very different but in it I see the nature of God and how conflicted He must be when a person is lost to Him. By presenting both, we as husband and wife gain a larger whole, more understanding and compassion for one another and to the ones we lost.